


For All Your Beauty Needs

by Fig Newton (sg_fignewton)



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Friendship, Gen, Humor, Jack and Daniel snark, Makeup, Off-World Shenanigans, Sam POV, Teal'c pwnage, Women Being Awesome, payback for "the dress", teamy goodness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-16
Updated: 2018-01-16
Packaged: 2019-03-05 15:27:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13390737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sg_fignewton/pseuds/Fig%20Newton
Summary: Sam and her boys, on a matriarchal planet that's not as much fun as it ought to be. A little bit of team silliness set sometime in late S1.





	For All Your Beauty Needs

**Author's Note:**

> Written in July 2011, and a personal favorite. :)

The dress that Xanti laid across the table was a marvel to behold: shimmering lines of gold and silver thread woven into a rich, deep green, cut from a material that looked and felt like silken water. Sleeveless and low-cut, with a hem ending just above the knee, it seemed designed both for beauty and freedom of movement. 

Sam hated the very sight of it.

Xanti touched forehead and chin in the gesture that the team had learned was a sign of respect. "The second bell will signal the start of the feast, Captain," she said, making Sam's title sound more like _my lady_ than a military designation. "Your men cannot attend, as we explained, but I hope they will find this chamber comfortable?" 

"That will be fine, Xanti," Sam assured her, smiling so hard that her teeth hurt. 

She glanced back at her fellow teammates. Daniel, at least, was following the script, standing half a pace behind her on her left with his gaze politely fixed on the floor. Teal'c, on the other hand, had taken up sentry duty at the doorway, his stance speaking volumes of his refusal to even pretend to act deferential. That, at least, she could understand; after rebelling against Apophis, it would be hard for him to behave subserviently. But a certain colonel was taking his demoted status _very_ badly, and it was only her ingrained obedience to the chain of command that stopped her from making some pointed insubordinate remarks. He expected her to suck it up whenever they encountered a misogynist society, but when the boot was on the other foot... 

Only now, of course, that _stupid_ dress had made an appearance, and Jack hadn't stopped grinning since. 

"I will leave you, then, until we meet again at the second bell," Xanti said. "Thank you, Captain." She repeated the gesture of respect to Sam, ignored the men completely, and left.

As soon as Xanti closed the door and left SG-1 in privacy, the fake smile that Sam had pasted on her face transformed into a scowl. Eyes narrowed, lips pursed, she stalked towards Daniel, who prudently backed away from his advancing teammate until he hit the opposite wall.

"So explain to me, _Doctor_ Jackson," she hissed, "why, when we finally find a matriarchal society, I still have to be the one playing dress-up!"

Daniel didn't quite meet Sam's furious stare, but his voice was mild enough as he replied, "Because you're the only one they think worthy of honoring."

"I'm not going to put on that stupid dress!" 

"You don't have to," Daniel pointed out. "Xanti said they'd be delighted if you choose to wear the ceremonial robes, but they'll understand if you prefer your, ah --" 

"I think it was 'honored garb of battle,' actually," Jack supplied with cheery unhelpfulness. Daniel, somewhat relieved when Sam spun around to shift the heat of her angry glare in Jack's direction, sidled back into the center of the room. 

"I do not understand the source of your displeasure, Captain Carter," Teal'c said from his observation post near the door. "Xanti and her people seek only to grant you equal status. Perhaps it is we who should be offended that we are not deemed worthy of places at tonight's feast." 

"Yeah," Jack chimed in. "Did you _see_ the cake they were putting on the tables? And five kinds of pie!" He gave a wistful sigh. "We have to stick with our MREs, but Carter gets to --" 

"Jack," Daniel sing-songed, "you are really not helping here." He turned back to Sam. "Look, it's simple. Not only do the Altrie see you as our leader, but they were also very impressed by your martial arts demonstration this afternoon. It's a _good_ thing that they want to negotiate with you on even terms instead of trying to label you as an inferior. All you have to do is show up tonight with the marks of a leader. If you don't want to wear the robes, they'll be satisfied with --" 

"With _face paint_!" Sam snapped. "If you think I'm going to cover my entire face with orange and purple the way that Xanti does, you can just --" 

" _Sam._ " Daniel's frustration snapped his eyebrows into a deep furrow. "I know it's not fun for you when we have to handle misogynistic cultures, but why is this bothering you so much? You don't have to wear the dress as long as you use some cosmetics. It doesn't have to be fulll face-paint, either. I explained to Xanti that our people have different customs. They'll be satisfied with a little blush and lipstick!" 

"And eyeshadow," Jack chirped, then quickly found something to study outside the open window. 

"Because," Sam said slowly and deliberately, as if speaking to a child, "I. can't. put. on. makeup." 

Daniel blinked at her, genuinely confused. "You can't?" 

"No!" Sam threw her arms out. "And since I can't do the makeup thing, it means wearing that stupid dress!" 

"At least it's got more coverage than those robes that the Sovarim made Teal'c and Daniel wear last month," Jack remarked to the outside air. Happily, he missed the truly murderous look that Sam threw in his direction.

Daniel squeezed his eyes shut and pinched his nose between thumb and forefinger. "Okay. Just -- okay. This is... this is not okay. Sam, what are you talking about? I've seen you wearing makeup before." 

Her anger suddenly drained away, leaving Sam with only weary frustration. She flopped onto one of the low couches with a sigh. "You've seen me wearing makeup on _Earth_ , Daniel. Not off-world." 

"Oh." Daniel sat down next to her. "You mean you don't actually have any makeup here." 

Her mouth twisted. "An extra tube of lipstick isn't exactly part of my regular field pack." She didn't add that any attempt to include cosmetics in her kit would only fuel the usual comments and catcalls from a large contingent of SGC personnel. 

"And you can't borrow any makeup from the Altrie, because you already tested it --" 

"And the compounds are toxic," Sam finished tiredly. "The Altrie must have built up a tolerance to the local flora over the years, but I'd keel over after half an hour if I applied that stuff to my skin." 

Jack turned away from the window, his expression suddenly devoid of all levity as he returned to his normal professional self. "Look, Carter, I'm not going to order you to put on that sparkly robe thing. We can talk to Xanti and work something out." 

"And give up the chance to make a treaty with these people?" Sam scrubbed a hand through her hair. "Do we really want to go back and tell General Hammond that we can't negotiate for their stockpile of Goa'uld crystals because I didn't want to wear a --" 

"That will not be necesssary, Captain Carter," Teal'c said unexpectedly. He left his post at the door and paced toward her. 

She squinted up at him. "It won't?" 

"I can supply you with the cosmetics you require." 

"You can?" A slow smile spread across Sam's face, her eyes crinkling. 

"You _can_?" Jack blurted, aghast. 

Teal'c raised an eyebrow at him. "As a member of SG-1, I represent the Tau'ri, do I not? It is important to always look one's best. Extra supplies ensure a pleasing appearance." 

Daniel, not even bothering to hide his wicked grin, chimed in, "Yeah, Jack. You don't want Teal'c to have to fight a Jaffa horde without his bronzer and eyeshadow, do you?" 

"But... but..." Jack sputtered, waving his hands. "Carter doesn't bring makeup off-world! How come Teal'c does?" 

Daniel snickered. "Because thousand-pound tigers can sit wherever they want, Jack." 

At that, even Sam had to laugh. She stood up and gave Teal'c's arm an affectionate pat. "No one at the SGC would ever argue with Teal'c's choices, sir -- or, at least, they'd never say it aloud." She ran a judicious eye over the various tubes and blushers that Teal'c was now removing from his pack. "Hmm. Yeah, I can work with this. Oh, I didn't know you were trying that Shimmer Cream Eyeshadow that I recommended -- is that Bronze Beauty?"

"It is indeed, Captain Carter. I have found it most pleasing." 

Jack was still looking appalled. "My scientist and my Jaffa, bonding over makeup! That is just _wrong_." 

Sam, now untwisting a tube of pale blue, glanced up at him with a sudden glint in her eye. "It occurs to me, sir, that we have an opportunity to increase your inferior male cred..." 

"Oh, no." Jack backed away. "No no no no no _no_." 

Daniel, still seated on the couch, snapped his fingers. "That's a great idea, Sam! Remember Xanti noticing Teal'c's eyelids before? I'd say she's already primed to accept the idea of men wearing cosmetics, and you're right -- even if we don't get into tonight's feast, the sight of us wearing even a little bit of makeup will put us on more equal terms." 

"Maybe they just want to see you bat those baby blues with extra eyeshadow!" Jack snarled. 

Daniel, unfazed, struck a languid pose and very deliberately fluttered his eyelashes. 

Sam advanced on her CO, armed with a powder puff and a decidedly evil smile. "Come on, sir," she purred. "You were so _ready_ to go along with it when you thought it was just me. Now close your eyes and stand still... unless, of course, you want me to smear this halfway across your forehead."

"You will look most fetching, O'Neill," Teal'c said, his voice a complete deadpan, and Daniel nearly fell off the couch from laughter.


End file.
